Posted in Cursory Resources, Let's Talk About Poly

Ethics and Morals

Oh, buddy, I hate this topic with a passion. I recently had a breakup, that despite limited communication due to the tension the discussion invoked, I believe that part of the issue was their heavy belief that ethics are subjective, which is true, but not in the way that was central to the discussion we were having. They were discussing morality. I was discussing ethics. However, due to the interchangeable and colloquial use of ethics and morals, people often don’t understand that they are using the wrong term.

I am sorry, not sorry to inform you all that ethics and morals are not the same, and you must be careful in how you use the term in communication. This is a significant issue in why so many arguments break out. Foundationally ethics are cultural and communal. This also includes subcultures. Morals are individual and are deeply connected to our experiences, nurture, and personal growth. When discussing how actions affect others, both matter; however, the impact is the basis of the term you use.

One of the many communities these conversations occur in is the polyamorous community. The terms consensual nonmonogamy and ethical nonmonogamy are different but also colloquially used interchangeably. Polyamory is distinctly about the ethics of nonmonogamous loving relationships; Not defining love for others; Not telling people how to present that love; Not the priority of certain types of intimacy. It is about the cultural ethics of this specific subset of nonmonogamy. A dictionary definition does not explain the intricacies of cultural expressions and agreement throughout the community. No, quick definition does. The base definitions that float about are introductions not, the full picture of what polyamory is.

I will share some cursory links to help people understand ethics and morals as different terms that cover different relationships to similar central ideas.




What is the difference between Ethics, Morality and the Law?
What’s The Difference Between “Morals” vs. “Ethics”?
What’s the Difference Between Morality and Ethics?
You say morals, I say ethics – what’s the difference?
Ethics, morality, law – what’s the difference?
Compare and contrast “morality” and “ethics.”
Ethics And Morality
An Analysis on Law Vs. Ethics and Morals in a Changing Society
The Battle Between Morality Vs. Ethics: Which One Wins?
Ethics and Morality

Posted in Shalyse Speaks

Activism is A lot of Things

I was pondering reactionary responses to oppression and the performative nature of people who criticize those who discuss socio-political issues and conduct various tasks of activism when it’s not blowing up on the news and social media. If you think this is necessary now, please keep the same energy you have when big stories have made the news when you hear people speaking about oppressive issues at other times. Y’all love to use your right to an opinion or your preferences to ignore voices and devalue opinions when convenient, and that’s part of the problem.

The other day I was discussing with someone how individualist ideologies are hurting us. That is not to say that being your own person and having your own sense of self and desires outside of family and community is wrong. It’s when your individualism is valued more than the collective needs of all as an essential foundation when it becomes problematic. The whole “this doesn’t affect me, so I don’t know about it” ideology. I mean, yes, this is the reality of most, especially those surviving, but for some of you, it isn’t just survival that has reduced your exposure. It is a choice. It is your choice to ignore the everyday struggle of folks. It is our collective choice to become reactionary rather than proactive in our social support.

Reactionary responses are the result of silencing. Silencing is repetitive and often overshadowed by the feelings and guilt of the non-oppressed. It is ingrained in many of our cultures and social circles. The idea that something is someone’s personal business because we stigmatize it and hide from discomfort. 

Please remember that. 

Make listening to minorities an everyday thing. Make understanding the flaws in our economic, social, and political systems something that we are ok with because it is necessary to grow as a social system. 

Activism is a lot of things. As I have witnessed, activism, at its roots, is helping to bring people back to the foundations of being civilized. We often attribute civilization with colonized beliefs of power and hoarding resources, but being civilized is more than that. You can have the tools or technology available, but if you are not culturally and socially adept as a social system, are you civilized or just technologically advanced.

So, before we condemn activism for what we do not understand and why it disturbs us outside of what we consider extreme circumstances, remember the various ways that activism can exist through advocates, education, and support. This is a general but not an exhaustive list. Some types are more effective in general. Some are more effective situationally. There is no one way, and you are misinformed if you think non-violence is the only way people have won their rights. 

xox,
shalyse

Community building
Artivism
Communities of practice
Conflict transformation
Cooperative
Cooperative movement
Craftivism
Grassroots
Guerrilla gardening
Transition movement
Lobbying
Media activism
Culture jamming
Hacktivism
Internet activism
Peace activism
Non-violent resistance
Peace camps
Peace vigil
Moral purchasing
Petition
Political campaigning
Propaganda
Guerrilla communication
Protest
Boycott
Demonstration
Direct action
Performance Theater
Protest songs
Sit-in
Strike action
Hunger strike

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Posted in Verbose Redactions

A reminder from Rebecca

A therapist can’t be their therapist.

Rebecca continually reminds me of this even though I’m not a therapist.
I’m a consultant, a mentor, and a guide. By profession, that is what I’ve chosen to do on multiple levels. I’ve been told that I am a hypocrite when I struggle because I give such great advice and have searched profound views and understandings of the world. Why do people decide that about people? I say things that make sense to me.

Rebecca continually reminds me is that being hypocritical may not be the case. Just because I understand and see what needs to be better doesn’t mean I can always guide myself to what needs to be better, considering disorders and differences that are a part of me; you know and being kinda human-like. I study psychology both as a hobby and a part of my profession. Every time Rebecca helps me navigate something that I struggle with, I’m angry at myself because I know that concept. Why can’t I Implement that concept the way that I help others to?  

Rebecca reminds me that I tell people it’s okay to struggle and need help, so why can’t I be as compassionate to myself as I am to those that come to me for help, whether paid or just as a peer or friend.

As I’ve processed this, I’ve noticed that a large part of it is the expectation that those who help others will always be able to help themselves because we know better. We aren’t supposed to be flawed. But the thing that I’ve always said is that it’s okay to be flawed, but you need to be willing to address those flaws and be willing to understand the impact and offer healing.

I sat with myself, and I thought about it. I do right by people, but I will not let myself be taken advantage of, and I will not take responsibility for the damaged others have done, whether they want to address it. That doesn’t make you a hypocrite.

But knowing that and moving through the hurt are very different things, which brings us back to the beginning.

A therapist can’t be their own therapist.

Intervene.

Sometimes people need help.

To be safe. To not cause harm. To heal.

Societies are social. We need to remember that isolation makes none of us better. Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away.

It is your business. Your communities being healthier is your business. Do something about it even if it is the small change of reaching out to one single person.

Small acts are not as insignificant as they seem.

xox, shalyse

Posted in Shalyse Speaks, Uncategorized, Verbose Redactions

When your choices force you to change.

TW: Suicide and eating disorder mentions.


So this is one of the many reasons why I have tried to be more healthful. When I first got my ID I decided to be an organ donor. As I got older though I realized I probably didn’t have super healthy organs because of my eating disorders.

I was struggling with my eating disorder so I knew I was going to struggle to be restrictive in any capacity. After the first suicide attempt that I had in which people were involved and I got put into the hospital the care team was extremely concerned that for the majority of my life I had never been attached to living. In fact, I live my life with the idea that I was going to go at any point in time. They were concerned that so many people in my life were unaware of that fact. “How did [I] hide that so well from so many people?” “How did no one see how my previous attempts affected my body?”

While I was getting that care they reminded me that it is okay to attach your life to something that is not yourself if it helps you get to a healthier place. So I have been searching for the healthiest thing for me to attach my life to for me and only me. What I’ve discovered is that that thing is service.

I enjoy service activities. I enjoy helping people. And the major thing that I get out of it is that I actually feel attached even if it’s just for a short time. So even though being healthy is hard I always try to make small changes for my health based on what I can do at the time and how my eating disorder is affecting me to try to make my body as healthy as I can so that if I go my organs may be able to help someone.

I damaged many of my organs with my eating disorder but some of that damage was repairable for instance my heart was weakened because of the stress of my eating disorder but my care team reminded me that if I exercise ate healthier much of that damage would be repaired because it hadn’t gotten to the most extreme.

I don’t know I just thought that sharing about how considering others can positively impact your view of self and life.